Week 38 - It is what it is

Stats:  0 lb
Ave Cal Burn:  2303
Ave Cal Consumed:  1303
Ave Cal Balance:  1000


That's a regular saying at work, "It is what it is."  It's a great way to sum up the fact that, despite our best efforts, despite what we really want to happen, there are circumstances and obstacles in our way that will prevent it from being what we want it to be.  It just is what it is.  And that is what my weigh-loss journey is right now.

I'm philosophical about it right now.  What else can I do?  Is there really something wrong with me?  How can I be having 1000 calorie deficits and not lose any weight?  If this were just one week - well, I've had them in the past, I am fine as long as my average is still a loss.  But this week after week, it makes you crazy.  There must be something I'm not doing right, right?  I go on-line - most people would say I'm not eating enough, but that's just not true.  I mix it up a lot.  Yesterday I had 2164 calories - almost 200 over what I burned.  That doesn't happen every week, but I definitely have a 1800-1900 day once a week, and I'm not going hungry.  If I get hungry, I eat something.  I just try to make it a healthy snack like fruit or yogurt.  I really am eating enough, that I feel in my bones.

So, am I eating too much?  Could both my eating and my burn be off enough so that I'm basically in maintenance mode?  So, say my average cal consumed is off by 200 calories - bringing it this week to 1503 and burn is off 300 calories, bringing it to 2000, that's still an average balance of -500 calories a day (or 1lb for the week).  I could see being off another couple hundred calories on the food (it's so hard to be precise unless you eat the same thing every day), but I don't think it would be every day.  As far as the accuracy of the BodyMedia monitor, well, it does have some other inaccuracies, but it's been very consistent with the burn.  It seems to adjust up or down and accurately monitor my workouts.  The only thing that I have noticed is that it doesn't record my weight/isometric exercising after my cardio as physical activity.  I'm ok with that as long as it is recording my calories that I'm burning correctly.  I know that I often break a sweat with those workouts.

So, I will continue to ponder, and I'll continue to just say, "it is what it is"  there are areas where I could be more restrictive, but I need to have a manageable life - this has to be part of my life, so I may give up progress for reasonableness.  I hope I can still get to my goal close to when I wanted to.  I know now that I won't be down 50 in 50 weeks, but I do know that when I turn 50, I will be feeling much better about myself, and I will look better, and I will be a better me.  And that is what it is.

Week 37 - Tired

Stats -3lb
Ave cal burned:  2392
Ave cal consumed: 1262
Ave balance: 1130

This week I was tired.  I was tired during my workouts (couldn't get myself out of bed on Wednesday)  Tired of eating right.  Tired of thinking about my weight, etc.

I seem to have one of these weeks about once a month, maybe every 6 weeks.  I just really feel tired in my bones.  Although, I would say I added the mental tiredness this week as well.

It doesn't make much sense because this was school vacation week, so I actually got to sleep in a little because I didn't have the pressure of leaving the house right on time to get Tess to school.  I still did need to leave by about the same time to drop her and Gwen off and still be at work my regular time, but it didn't feel as time pressured.  Of course, did I wake up at the usual time and then spend more time with weights, etc.?  Oh, no, I was just able to do cardio all week, and barely got that done.

So, I was happy to lose 3lbs this week, but I am just resigned to gaining it back again, so there is no usual joy or motivation.  I even just thought - well, there's that 3 lbs that I've already lost at least twice!  I know I am feeling discouraged, and I have to not let it get to me.  I have been slacking in a lot of ways.  I haven't been tracking - the number above is only for 4 of 7 days.  I just stopped mid-week.  I had a busy school week, and it's just been hard to keep up with the tracking.  But, I know that I have to do that if I want to at least prove that I've been eating at or under my calorie goal.

Last night was game night, and I must have had a whole bottle of wine.  I'm sure I'll be paying for that indulgence this week.  Oh, well, those are the things I don't want to give up.

Week 36 - Stuck in Lost and Found for 11 weeks

Stats:  +2.5lb
Burn:  2116

So, the week starts last Saturday.  The blizzard had started Friday night, and Chuck had to stay at work all night into the morning for coverage in case they lost electricity (they didn't).  We didn't either.  But, when the alarm went off, it was so cozy in bed, I decided to snooze until it was too late, and it was time to get up an get breakfast made.  When we finished, Chuck came home, and he started clearing the driveway.  I needed some things from the store, so I took a ride to Nashua to get to an open grocery store (the driving ban was still in effect in Massachusetts).  When I got home, I finally put my exercise stuff on to get ready to work out.  As I leaned over (from a sitting position) to tie my left shoe, my back spasmed.  I couldn't move.  I limped to bed and tried to get into a position where it didn't hurt.  No one was around to help, but luckily I had some ibuprofen at my bedside, so I took some.

That was the beginning of not a good week.  I missed my workout Saturday of course, and Sunday, and I took Monday off too.  I was better by Monday, but still feeling it, so I was so scared to put it back in spasm.  Tuesday I did my usual workout, but then Tuesday night I got some stomach thing, so I skipped Wednesday too.  Considering all the skipped workouts, I'm surprised that I managed an average burn of 2116.

But, I was very discouraged to see a 2.5lb gain.  I am totally at my wits end about how to break out of this "lost and found" hell.  I figured out that, in the last 11 weeks, I have lost 13 pounds, but I gained 10, so I only have a net loss of 3lb for 11 weeks!  That is insane.  I know that we had the holidays during that time, and I also did have a set back this week, but really?  It doesn't justify the 2.5lb gain - it just doesn't.  I feel like I am going to be stuck in this decade forever.  I don't know what I can do differently to break out of this pattern.  I know that I could work out more, but I don't really have the time to do it.  I am going to go back to tracking my food (again), just so I can rule out that I am eating too many calories (but, there is no way I'm eating the additional 1000+ a day that would amount to a 2.5lb gain).  I have started back on my supplements, and I should be able to take them more regularly now (I had stopped when my back spasmed because since I was lying in bed, what would be the point of taking a metabolism increaser?  Maybe it would have helped, I don't know, it just seemed like a waste).  So, we'll see where we are next week.  I am going to try to do some research on what to do to break out a plateau (this is not your classic plateau, but basically the same result), and see if there is anything new to try.

Week 35 - The Storm

Stats:  -.5
Burn: 2321
Cal:  1147
Deficit:  1174

Ok, so I'm writing this a week late, so I'm going to make this post short, and I will spend more time on this week's post tomorrow.

This week was about getting back on track after being sick and traveling to FL.  I did well on the rest of my trip, but ended up taking a day off on Tuesday morning, which I was hoping to avoid.  I had a busy week with school and other activity.  The big news of the week was the blizzard that we were getting.  It started on Friday, but continued through Saturday.

I was ok with only losing .5 - a loss is a loss, and with the FL trip and all, -.5 was not bad at all.  I feel like I am finally making progress and will be in the next "decade" by next week.  I started increasing my supplements - going to 2 a day - towards the end of the week, so I think it is working to help increase my metabolism.  I don't feel as jittery on them, but I do feel like they give me more energy.

Week 34 - illness strikes

Stats:  -1.5
Burn: 2268

Rough week.  It started out ok, but on Tuesday morning, I had a very sore throat.  I had been aware of it throughout the night.  When I swallowed, it felt like razor blades.  I did not work out, and I took a sick day at work.  I got an appointment at my doctors to make sure it wasn't strep (it wasn't).  The next day, I didn't feel that much better, so I took another sick day.  I wanted to make sure I was feeling better by the time I left for my Florida trip.  I felt better on Thursday, but decided to work from home so that I wasn't infecting my co-workers.  In addition, I had to leave early to catch our flight, so it just made sense.  I actually worked out Thursday morning, and I did ok.   My weigh in this week is from Thursday morning because I wasn't going to have access to my scale on Friday morning. 

So, with two days off from exercise this week, I still managed to have an average burn of 2268 - not too bad considering I spent two days in bed for the most part.  Oh, and also I got my period! 

I had started my new "supplements" on Saturday, but I did not take them on Tuesday and Wednesday because I was thinking it didn't make sense to take them while I was completely inactive.  I am feeling ok about the 1.5# loss, and I wonder if the supplements helped.  I guess this coming week will have a more definitive answer on if they are helping or not.  I'm still only taking 1 a day until I completely shake this cold.

Ok, so I've done ok on 2 days of my Florida trip.  Friday Chuck and I had a big breakfast, but I only had a small snack before dinner.  Today was similar.  Too much alcohol though!  I'm going to try to not drink all week.  Saturday night we are going to a comedy show, so I will save the drinking for that night only.

Week 33 - Taking a break

Not a complete break, but a mini break.  I think I needed it.

Stats:  -3lb
Avg burn:  2337
Avg calories:  ?

I stopped tracking on Sunday, then I tried to start back on Tuesday, but I was just too busy.  I am going to try to get back to it starting today, but I haven't tracked at all so far, and it's 4:35. PM.

After my sucky week last week, I was discouraged, but not giving up.  It was a holiday weekend, and so I was doing some extra cooking.  Saturday night I made spaghetti and meatballs.  On Sunday, I made a turkey dinner, and I ate way too much.  My stomach hurt.  I started the non tracking by then.

On Monday (the holiday), I didn't get up to work out at first, and then it got late, so I got up and got showered, etc.  I always intended to work out later in the day, but it didn't happen.  So, that was my first skip day.  I blew my goal of exercising every day until our Florida trip.  I justified it in my mind that I really needed the break.  I can't sleep late on the weekdays even if I don't work out, blah blah.  So, not sure what was going through my head when I kept hitting the snooze on Tuesday.  I guess at first I thought I was still going to get up - maybe do an abbreviated workout.  I knew I wasn't going to be doing anything at work outside - it was projected to be in the single digits for temperature.  So, that was the second day I skipped working out.  I can't remember the last time I had TWO days in a week where I didn't work out.  But, there it is.

I have to say, though, that on Wednesday morning, I felt so much better in my workout.  I have been just SOOO tired all the time, and hungry.  I felt like it helped in someways.  And, I did lose weight this week, so maybe it's just what I needed.  Not that I'll plan that into the calendar or anything.  I may plan a lighter day every so often.

Regarding my other goals, well, I haven't called the doctor yet to make an appointment for a physical, but I definitely will this coming week.  I did stop by the GNC yesterday, and I started taking a supplement today that is supposed to increase my metabolism.  I just took 1 this morning, and I feel like it helped so far.  I felt like I had more energy, and when I ate lunch, I felt really full.  It didn't stop me, though, from eating the other half of my daughter's peanut butter and fluff sandwich!  I really, really, have to work on will power.  It's just non-existent.

My burn is low again this week, which, considering I didn't workout 2 days doesn't surprise me.  But, I have also been running out of time to do any weight/isometric work after my cardio because I have to make these totally annoying stops to go to the bathroom.  Today I had to stop twice, and I thought I was going to have to stop a 3rd time.  It just eats up all the extra time I have.

So, tonight is game night with our friends, and I'll try to be good.  I am bringing the appetizers, and I made one low fat dip, but the other two are not healthy at all.  I guess I'll try to fill up on salad!

Week 32 - Depressed

Other contenders for this week's title:

WTF?
Feel like quitting
I am not a NUMBER
What is wrong with my body?

They all compete for top thought in my brain since I weighed in yesterday.

Stats: +4lbs
Avg burn: 2296
Avg calories: 1401
Avg deficit:  895

So, I weigh myself every day, and I saw my weight creeping up every morning.  I didn't know why.  At first, I wasn't too concerned - I bounce 2lbs at a time.  By the time Thursday morning WI said I was still up 3lbs, I was not happy.  Still, I continued to log my food, continue with my exercise plan, and hope I'd have a 2-3# bounce down by the next morning.  I had sushi on Wednesday night, so part of me though it was probably just water retention.  So, was I unhappy when I got on the scale and saw a 4.5 gain on Friday morning.  I hadn't worked out yet, though, and I still had some clothes on, so I WI again later in the day and had lost .5 - probably just my clothing, but I decided to take that as my "official" weight.

Why?  I keep asking myself that.  What did I do/am I doing that is so wrong, so off?  I did have a lower burn this week.  I think that is because of two reason - one is that it's calculated using my weight, which was 4# less than I am :-)  and the other reason is that I did not get in any extra workouts in my week.  My deficit, though, is only 5 calories off from last week, so even if my burn is lower, I'm still maintaining the same average deficit.  To gain 4#, I would have to have eaten 20,000 extra calories.  I didn't.  Say I ate my total burn every day, I'd have to have eaten another 14,000 calories to gain 4lbs.  So, the math does not add up, I know that, but it is SOOOOOOOOOOO discouraging to see the scale go up 4lbs when I am already way behind in my goal. 

On the BodyMedia site, I entered my weight, and it gives you this message - it said at my rate, I'll reach my goal by NOVEMBER 12!!  So very discouraging, but it makes sense.  When I lost weight before - and I was 10 years younger - it took me 19 months to lose 50#.  And I was working out like a maniac.  I should have known that 50# in a year was not possible.  As of this weigh in, I am 8.5 pounds behind my goal - that's over two month.  I have no possible way of ever catching up at the rate I am going and what my body is doing.  I just don't understand it. 

So, I have two resolves out of this.  One is to make an appointment to see my doctor.  I'm overdue for a physical anyway, so I will do that - even though I'll probably not be able to get an appointment for weeks, maybe months.  The second thing is that I'm going to try some supplements - something that's supposed to speed up my metabolism.  I know that most of that stuff is crap, but it's worth a try to see if it can help me bust through this - whatever this is.  I've been in the same "decade" now for 11-12 weeks.  Even with the holiday eating, I should be better than this.  I thought the last decade was going to be hard, but this one has been way more stubborn.  It's very discouraging, but I'm not going to let it sabotage my plans.